Is it the dropping temperatures? The shortened days? The oncoming winter? Or is it something more . . .
I hate winter, and I'm certainly familiar enough with my current mood from years past not to be surprised by it. However, I'm never really sure if the cause is seasonal / weather-related or "other." The possibility of "other" scares me.
There is nothing major in my life that could be the source of my mood. Overall, I'm not in love with my life, but, then again, I don't hate it.
I'm reasonably happy with my "partner" (a term used by his ex-wife-twice-removed when she refers to me). We are not married, but we have been together roughly seven years. Our relationship isn't perfect, but he and I get along well and I love him. He's a good man, and I know he loves me even if two of his three adult daughters dislike me for being, perhaps, too blunt at times. At least, I think that's the reason, though it may have little or nothing to do with me. It may be leftover resentment toward the deceased second wife: their step-mother who was my predecessor (and whom, I'm told, they outright hated). Another possibility is that they resent me out of loyalty to and sympathy for their addict mother (whose infidelities ultimately led to her divorce from my partner while their daughters were still children). Too much involvement with these young women and I'm accused by them (and their mother) of interfering, not enough and I'm accused of not caring. No win. The fact that both of these young women have children complicates the issue: how to show interest and caring without overstepping? I tend to take my cues from my partner; however, if he hangs back, deferring to his volatile ex-wife's "territory" (such as for a birthday party we were all invited to but that he decided we would not attend in order to avoid the ugly scene that would undoubtedly occur), the fault lies with me. I must be the cause; I am undoubtedly holding him back, keeping him from his daughters and their children. Similarly, if he fails to fork over money to his oldest (whose attitude of entitlement is only one of her issues), the fault must be mine. It can't, after all, be that her father feels that a 26 year old should be self-supporting.
But I am not new to the trials that spring from a "blended" family and a bitter, angry ex-wife, and I don't have daily interaction with my partner's two oldest daughters since neither lives with us. So is this the cause of my mental state?
Nearly every Sunday night, I piss and moan about the beginning of a new week at the college where I put up with uncaring administrators' unrealistic expectations while I struggle to teach students who have been recruited despite woefully poor skills and non-existent study habits. The attitude that has been prevalent among the Deans and their superiors is that if the students aren't learning, then the faculty are not teaching. If students miss class, we are not dynamic enough to attract them. If they miss assignments, we are not motivating them, etc. etc. Meanwhile, we are inundated with paperwork a la the public school system until the mere mention of the words "rubric," "data" and "template" causes bile to rise in our throats. However, this is not the first time I have been employed at a college whose reputation I watched slowly sink into the mire as faculty fled like rats from a sinking ship.
I have two essays that will appear in literary magazines this month, and I am happy about that even though the book that I finished in July has yet to find either an agent or a publisher. The MFA program that has occupied the last nearly two years of my life is all over except for the shouting (or, to be more accurate, the craft lecture / defense and public reading), so I no longer have that hanging over my head. However, I still have trouble sleeping and poor concentration. I lack motivation to do things I used to do (e.g. to put up decorations for Halloween) and too often feel as if I am forcing myself to get out of bed in the morning.
My sister once surprised me by stating (in a too matter-of-fact tone) that the Girouard family has a history of depression. If that is true (and there was a first cousin whose unexplained death seemed very much like a suicide. She had attempted it at least once before.), how does that "history" align with my mother's Irish side? Not well, I'm guessing. Too many of my Irish ancestors were alcoholics who drank themselves to death. Those not addicted to "the beverage" suffered from stress and anxiety - my mother, for instance, who worried and obsessed over everything and had a serious heart condition that began in her early 40s and ultimately killed her.
When I went to a doctor last year for the insomnia, I was given a sleep aid that worked for a while but that my body ultimately built up a tolerance for. The doctor had also suggested an "anti-stimulant" because I cannot seem to "turn off" my brain that hits high gear the second my head hits the pillow. I tried one dose and was so jittery I couldn't even function. St. John's Wort seemed to help even things out and melatonin (both self-prescribed) made sleep a bit less elusive, but after a few months, I became aware of an unwelcome decrease in my libido. My God! Sex is the only really fun thing in my life! My reluctance to take any kind of anti-depressant is due to my fear of the sexual side effects! I immediately discontinued both remedies and, thankfully, regained my "interest."
Alcohol, the great panacea of the Irish, does not always agree with me. I can't seem to "hold it" the way I used to and I dislike feeling sick to my stomach. I have also learned over the years that alcohol is generally not conducive to a satisfying sexual experience. An obvious alternative is cannabis; however, the downside (its illegality) prohibits me from partaking in something that would both elevate my mood AND allow me to sleep. Perhaps if I were not a college instructor, I might risk it, but I can't jeopardize my job even if I'm not deliriously happy there. Did you say exercise? I thought of that and joined the YMCA three months ago. I work out 3-4 times a week, but those endorphins are not working for me. Yes, I have lost a bit of weight (my clothes do fit better) but I'm not really any more focused or joyful. I have my dark chocolate every day, too, but I'm not feeling those endorphins either. At least not so I've noticed.
Perhaps I could whine on my blog more often, although, usually, when I'm feeling blue, the last thing I want to do is write. I'd rather wallow in a facebook hole of Bubble Witch Saga.
To Be Continued . . .
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
He DIDN'T Just Say That, Did He?
Today I witnessed something so offensive, so utterly appalling, that I can barely write about it because I'm still so angry. I will not name the institution nor the "guest" speaker, but at a college assembly, all present were treated to a tirade that can only be called "hate talk."
This outside, invited speaker, Bible in hand the entire time, railed for about twenty minutes or so about Christianity and the teachings of Jesus Christ as being "the one true religion" and that all other religious beliefs are "bull" unworthy of the respect of people in a "Christian" institution. Let me explain that these "family assemblies" are mandatory for all faculty, staff, and students and that the college, though a "Christian-based" private institution, has as part of its MISSION STATEMENT that it accommodates students "from all ethnic backgrounds." Let me also say that I personally have never before encountered any bigoted behavior (religious, racial or otherwise) by members of this institution.
Almost immediately after greeting the audience, the speaker, dressed in jeans and a button-down sports shirt, directed his attention specifically to the faculty, whom he compared to the Philistines, and cautioned that ALL teaching should be Bible based. It was at about that point that the first faculty member walked out of the auditorium. The speaker did not, specifically, refer to those of the Jewish faith, but heavily emphasized the sole legitimacy of Jesus Christ's teachings, so the inference was clear. He did, however, specifically refer to the Muslims when he began speaking about the "meaning" (according to him) behind the Marines' Anthem and to what the term "leathernecks" refers. He then referred to a specific event (in this country) at which a Muslim group wanted its teachings represented and told the assembly that Muslims need to "assimilate" to the Christianity on which our country was founded or they can "get out." By this time, perhaps half a dozen faculty members had walked out. I should mention here that this college has Muslims, Hindus, and other non-Christians as part of its faculty, staff, and student body, though an offense to any of us is an offense to all of us, and by "us" I mean people.
At one point, the speaker had the nerve to refer to Martin Luther King, whose name NEVER should have been associated with this kind of divisive, intolerant ignorance, and standing there, waving his Bible in the air, he declared "Thank God for Martin Luther King." By then, I was so shocked and traumatized by the experience that I actually missed the specific reason this hate-monger was thanking God for this great man in our history, who preached tolerance and unity - concepts this speaker clearly does not embrace.
When the speaker turned his attention to the homosexual community, I decided I'd had enough and joined the others who had already departed the auditorium. I heard from a few who remained that he also spoke out about feminism ("It's God the Father, not God the Mother") and mentioned Hitler. Unfortunately, when I tried to pin anyone down about precisely how he referred to Hitler, I was told that they honestly could not remember details because they had already mentally "shut down."
Overall, about a dozen or so faculty / staff members walked out of the assembly, and though everyone with whom I've since spoken is angry and offended by the verbal assault we all endured, I'm ashamed that MORE faculty / staff and students did not walk out. I'm MORE ashamed, however, that the administration did not pull this speaker off the stage as soon as it became clear (about two minutes into his spiel) that his words were not only detrimental to the general mood of the first family assembly of the school year, but potentially volatile to young minds easily influenced to hate crimes and violent action towards others who are "different." This man should NEVER be invited to speak at any assembly of young people, especially at an institution of LEARNING that professes to embrace all races and cultures. Granted, the college's president was not in attendance, and I would like to think that, had he been present, he would NOT have let this misguided individual spew his hatred and intolerance until it reached its end, but I guess we'll never know. SOMEONE in power should have intervened. The lame back-peddling that occurred once the speaker wound down and took his seat was too little, too late. By then, the damage had already been done. What a sad and disgusting display for ALL of us, but especially for the new faculty and the in-coming freshman to have witnessed.
This outside, invited speaker, Bible in hand the entire time, railed for about twenty minutes or so about Christianity and the teachings of Jesus Christ as being "the one true religion" and that all other religious beliefs are "bull" unworthy of the respect of people in a "Christian" institution. Let me explain that these "family assemblies" are mandatory for all faculty, staff, and students and that the college, though a "Christian-based" private institution, has as part of its MISSION STATEMENT that it accommodates students "from all ethnic backgrounds." Let me also say that I personally have never before encountered any bigoted behavior (religious, racial or otherwise) by members of this institution.
Almost immediately after greeting the audience, the speaker, dressed in jeans and a button-down sports shirt, directed his attention specifically to the faculty, whom he compared to the Philistines, and cautioned that ALL teaching should be Bible based. It was at about that point that the first faculty member walked out of the auditorium. The speaker did not, specifically, refer to those of the Jewish faith, but heavily emphasized the sole legitimacy of Jesus Christ's teachings, so the inference was clear. He did, however, specifically refer to the Muslims when he began speaking about the "meaning" (according to him) behind the Marines' Anthem and to what the term "leathernecks" refers. He then referred to a specific event (in this country) at which a Muslim group wanted its teachings represented and told the assembly that Muslims need to "assimilate" to the Christianity on which our country was founded or they can "get out." By this time, perhaps half a dozen faculty members had walked out. I should mention here that this college has Muslims, Hindus, and other non-Christians as part of its faculty, staff, and student body, though an offense to any of us is an offense to all of us, and by "us" I mean people.
At one point, the speaker had the nerve to refer to Martin Luther King, whose name NEVER should have been associated with this kind of divisive, intolerant ignorance, and standing there, waving his Bible in the air, he declared "Thank God for Martin Luther King." By then, I was so shocked and traumatized by the experience that I actually missed the specific reason this hate-monger was thanking God for this great man in our history, who preached tolerance and unity - concepts this speaker clearly does not embrace.
When the speaker turned his attention to the homosexual community, I decided I'd had enough and joined the others who had already departed the auditorium. I heard from a few who remained that he also spoke out about feminism ("It's God the Father, not God the Mother") and mentioned Hitler. Unfortunately, when I tried to pin anyone down about precisely how he referred to Hitler, I was told that they honestly could not remember details because they had already mentally "shut down."
Overall, about a dozen or so faculty / staff members walked out of the assembly, and though everyone with whom I've since spoken is angry and offended by the verbal assault we all endured, I'm ashamed that MORE faculty / staff and students did not walk out. I'm MORE ashamed, however, that the administration did not pull this speaker off the stage as soon as it became clear (about two minutes into his spiel) that his words were not only detrimental to the general mood of the first family assembly of the school year, but potentially volatile to young minds easily influenced to hate crimes and violent action towards others who are "different." This man should NEVER be invited to speak at any assembly of young people, especially at an institution of LEARNING that professes to embrace all races and cultures. Granted, the college's president was not in attendance, and I would like to think that, had he been present, he would NOT have let this misguided individual spew his hatred and intolerance until it reached its end, but I guess we'll never know. SOMEONE in power should have intervened. The lame back-peddling that occurred once the speaker wound down and took his seat was too little, too late. By then, the damage had already been done. What a sad and disgusting display for ALL of us, but especially for the new faculty and the in-coming freshman to have witnessed.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Heart Attack at 50???
I believe that I just heard that Rosie O'Donnell had a heart attack at 50??? Somehow, even now that I am older, I still tend to imagine key people as being older than I am. I have not yet gotten used to doctors, policemen, clergy, and well-established celebrities as being YOUNGER than I.
I am not one to dwell much on obituaries; I don't check the paper every day, for example. have lived in my current location for only 4 years and therefore don't know many people. However, I gradually became aware that people around my age, an age I once considered "old," are dying. When I do see an obituary for someone in his 50s or younger, I look for a reason that will put me at ease. "Kicked in the head by a horse" would be a great reason, since I don't own a horse. No worries there. A suicide will sadden me, but there is still a bit of relief. That person made a conscious decision. Her death was not due to her body's betrayal. Cancer, heart attack, et al, however, is a frightening cause of death for someone at a young age. (Imagine that I now think of 50 as "young.") But for the grace of God and all that.
Now, 50 year old O'Donnell, who is 3 years younger than I, has had a heart attack sneak up on her. Okay, yes, she's overweight, but haven't I had twenty pounds or so gradually cling to my stomach, hips, and butt??? True, I've worked out on a more or less regular schedule most of my adult life, but until lately, I've slacked off. Am I in danger? Heart disease runs in my family. My maternal grandmother was only 56 when she died, and my mother had significant heart issues in her 50s that would eventually end her life at 75.
I'm being paranoid, but how does one KNOW? Is the ticking in my chest a ticking bomb? A cousin of mine felt an aching in his leg one morning, which he ignored. That afternoon, he suffered a major coronary and died. Just like that. True, if one has to die, that's the way to go (as they say): without pain and without lingering, but at 59??? No. Not fair.
Get better, Rosie. And hopefully, my returning to a regular workout schedule will keep me active and healthy for another 40 years or so.
I am not one to dwell much on obituaries; I don't check the paper every day, for example. have lived in my current location for only 4 years and therefore don't know many people. However, I gradually became aware that people around my age, an age I once considered "old," are dying. When I do see an obituary for someone in his 50s or younger, I look for a reason that will put me at ease. "Kicked in the head by a horse" would be a great reason, since I don't own a horse. No worries there. A suicide will sadden me, but there is still a bit of relief. That person made a conscious decision. Her death was not due to her body's betrayal. Cancer, heart attack, et al, however, is a frightening cause of death for someone at a young age. (Imagine that I now think of 50 as "young.") But for the grace of God and all that.
Now, 50 year old O'Donnell, who is 3 years younger than I, has had a heart attack sneak up on her. Okay, yes, she's overweight, but haven't I had twenty pounds or so gradually cling to my stomach, hips, and butt??? True, I've worked out on a more or less regular schedule most of my adult life, but until lately, I've slacked off. Am I in danger? Heart disease runs in my family. My maternal grandmother was only 56 when she died, and my mother had significant heart issues in her 50s that would eventually end her life at 75.
I'm being paranoid, but how does one KNOW? Is the ticking in my chest a ticking bomb? A cousin of mine felt an aching in his leg one morning, which he ignored. That afternoon, he suffered a major coronary and died. Just like that. True, if one has to die, that's the way to go (as they say): without pain and without lingering, but at 59??? No. Not fair.
Get better, Rosie. And hopefully, my returning to a regular workout schedule will keep me active and healthy for another 40 years or so.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Back Again (to stay, I hope)
The end of summer, the end of the first week (of workshops) at the college, and now I'm sitting on my deck on this beautiful day trying to motivate myself to WRITE. I just realized that it has been nearly a year since my last blog. Shameful. How can I expect to get followers this way?
So what have I been doing since last year? I finished my book, The Other Side: A Memoir, and I have just begun searching for a small press to publish it. Today I sent a query letter to a literary agent. I have created a web page on google https://sites.google.com/site/theothersideamemoir/ and a facebook page http://www.facebook.com/TheOtherSideAMemoir for the book. I have set up a tumblr account http://www.tumblr.com/blog/fulmoonmajik and updated a long abandoned twitter account https://twitter.com/fulmoonmajik . If I could figure out how to straighten out my LinkedIn account, I could update that too! lol
I am also wrapping up my M.F.A. degree at Converse College and preparing for the upcoming semester at Livingstone College where I teach. I do plan on using more technology this year and have already created a facebook page for my students.
Will I create NEW work?? Well, I have started an essay about an elderly neighbor who passed last year in a rather bizarre accident. I hope to work on / complete that essay.
AND I hope to blog on a regular basis (or at least more often). Wish me luck!
So what have I been doing since last year? I finished my book, The Other Side: A Memoir, and I have just begun searching for a small press to publish it. Today I sent a query letter to a literary agent. I have created a web page on google https://sites.google.com/site/theothersideamemoir/ and a facebook page http://www.facebook.com/TheOtherSideAMemoir for the book. I have set up a tumblr account http://www.tumblr.com/blog/fulmoonmajik and updated a long abandoned twitter account https://twitter.com/fulmoonmajik . If I could figure out how to straighten out my LinkedIn account, I could update that too! lol
I am also wrapping up my M.F.A. degree at Converse College and preparing for the upcoming semester at Livingstone College where I teach. I do plan on using more technology this year and have already created a facebook page for my students.
Will I create NEW work?? Well, I have started an essay about an elderly neighbor who passed last year in a rather bizarre accident. I hope to work on / complete that essay.
AND I hope to blog on a regular basis (or at least more often). Wish me luck!
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